h  anil  Out  of  Catholicism 


MARY  FRANOBS  BCRGER 


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PRINCETON  •  NEW  JERSEY 
PRESENTED  BY 

Rufus  K,    LeFevre 


MARY  FRANCES  BERGER 


APR  21 


In  and  Out  of 
Catholicism 


A  Personal  Sketch 

by      ^ 
MARY  FRANCES  BERGER 


Dayton,  Ohio 
1913 


United  Brethren  Publishing  House 

The  Otterbein  Press 

Dayton,  Ohio 


A  Husband's  Tribute 

/T  gives  me  great  pleasure  that  after  so  many 
years  my  dear  wife  has  at  last  consented  to 
let  the  story  of  her  early  life  take  printed  form. 
Very  many  times  has  she  hee^i  solicited  to  do  so 
by  those  who  have  heard  her  narrate  the  events 
which  so  radically  changed  the  whole  current  of 
her  life,  hut  until  now  she  has  refrained. 

A  nd  now  as  the  sixtieth  anniversary  of  our 
marriage  is  just  passing  I  have  the  sincerest  joy 
in  referring  to  her  unswerving  fidelity  to  her  con- 
victions in  espousing  the  Protestant  faith,  as 
well  as  also  to  her  loving  loyalty  and  devotion 
as  a  wife  through  all  the  varied  experiences  of 
the  long  life  zvhich  our  Heavenly  Father  has 
graciously  permitted  us  to  live.  D.B. 


Author's  Preface 

MANY  times  I  have  been  requested  by 
friends  to  write  some  account  of  those 
early  experiences  which  wrought  so  great  a 
change  in  my  life  destiny. 

Long  I  have  hesitated  to  do  so,  but  at 
last  have  consented  to  yield  to  their  solicita- 
tions, and  place  in  this  form  some  of  the  more 
salient  points.  Whatever  of  interest  may  in- 
here in  what  I  have  written  may  be  aug- 
mented to  the  reader  by  the  fact  that  the 
story  is  in  no  sense  colored  for  the  sake  of  ef- 
fect, but  is  a  simple  narrative  of  things  which 
actually  occurred. 


TO  MY  DEAR  HUSBAND, 

WHOSE  LOVE  AND  TENDER  CARE  HAVE 

SUSTAINED  ME  THROUGH  THE 

MANY  PASSING  YEARS, 

AND   TO  THE   MANY  CHERISHED   FRIENDS 

WHO  HAVE  DESIRED  ME 

TO  RECORD  IN  THIS  FORM  SOME 

OF  THE  INCIDENTS  OF 

MY  EARLY  LIFE, 

THESE  PAGES  ARE  AFFECTIONATELY 

DEDICATED. 


CONTENTS 

I.  Childhood  Days — Convent  Life  .  .  9 

II.  The  Voyage 13 

III.  Yellow  Fever 23 

IV.  Coming  to  Cincinnati 27 

V.  In  a  Protestant  Church 33 

VI.  A  New  Experience 39 

VII.  The  Morning  Dawn 47 

VIII.  My  Brother's  Coming 51 

IX.  Toil  and  Precious  Fruits 59 

X.  Incidents 65 

XI.  Closing  Words 75 


Childhood  Days 

THE  incidents  narrated  in  the  following 
pages  mostly  lie  so  far  back  in  time 
that  many  of  them  begin  to  seem  al- 
most like  a  half -forgotten  dream.  Yet  so 
deep  were  the  impressions  made  by  many 
of  the  experiences  undergone  that  each  par- 
ticular stands  out  with  a  vividness  as  but  of 
yesterday.  And  the  reader  may  here  be  told 
that  the  story  as  related  is  in  no  sense  a  cre- 
ation of  fancy,  but  a  simple  narrative  of  life 
events  and  experiences. 

The  home  of  my  birth  was  in  the  city  of 
Manchester,  England,  and  in  that  city  the 
first  sixteen  years  of  my  life  were  spent.  My 
father's  name  was  Edwin  Merry.  My  moth- 
er's family  name  was  Saulsbury.  My  father 
was  engaged  in  mercantile  pursuits,  and  was 
a  gentleman  of  ample  fortune.     My  maternal 


10  hi  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

grandfather  was  a  large  landholder,  his  es- 
tates lying  along  the  seashore,  near  the  city 
of  Liverpool.  All  of  my  people  were  devout 
members  of  the  Roman  Catholic  Church,  and 
in  that  church  I  was  carefully  reared.  Our 
own  immediate  family  consisted  of  my  par- 
ents and  three  children,  a  brother  and  sister 
and  myself.  My  brother  was  educated  for 
the  priesthood,  and  entered  in  due  time  upon 
that  sacred  office.  My  sister  was  educated 
for  a  nun.  I,  the  youngest  of  the  family,  was 
intended  for  the  same  separated  Hfe,  the  in- 
tention, in  the  providence  of  God,  not  being 
fulfilled. 

My  early  home  life  was  as  delightful  as 
that  of  any  child  could  be.  Our  home  was  a 
luxurious  mansion,  with  every  appointment 
of  comfort  that  ample  wealth  could  procure. 
To  the  easy  comforts  of  home  my  parents 
added  the  pleasure  of  travel.  Visits  were 
made  to  Scotland,  where  we  had  relatives  re- 
siding, and  I   retain  most  vivid  recollections 


Childhood  Days  11 

of  scenes  in  the  highlands  where  a  portion 
of  our  time  was  spent.  My  parents  also 
made  visits  to  the  continent,  including  Italy 
and  Rome.  Twice  I  was  taken  to  that  city,  once 
by  my  parents,  and  once  by  my  grandparents. 
I  was  then  too  young  to  understand  very 
clearly  much  of  what  I  saw,  but  I  remember 
distinctly  the  impressions  made  on  my  mind 
when  I  saw  St.  Peter's,  and  others  of  the 
great  churches  of  that  city.  A  portion  of  my 
vacations  usually  was  spent  at  my  grand- 
father's, and  many  of  my  child  experiences 
there  are  remembered  with  the  clearest  dis- 
tinctness. 

My  school  life  was  passed  in  the  convent 
connected  with  the  cathedral,  and  was  without 
any  special  incident,  except  such  as  is  com- 
mon to  children  in  convent  schools.  During 
the  earlier  years  I  was  in  the  school  as  a  day 
scholar.  Arrived  at  the  proper  age,  I  became 
an  inmate  of  the  convent,  and  from  that  time 
had  permission  to  visit  my  home,  only  a  few 


12  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

squares  distant,  once  every  two  weeks.  The 
government  in  the  convent  was  rigid,'  and  ab- 
solute obedience  to  the  requirements  of  the 
nuns,  who  were  our  teachers,  was  enforced 
in  every  particular.  The  nunnery  was  ad- 
jacent to  the  cathedral,  the  bishop's  church. 
This  church  my  parents  attended,  and  here 
I  was  baptized  and  confirmed,  attended  the 
confessional,  and  learned  to  worship  God  af- 
ter the  forms  of  the  Roman  Catholic  Church. 


The  Voyage 

AFTER  these  brief  notes  relating  to 
my  early  days,  I  pass  at  once  to 
speak  of  an  event  and  of  exper- 
iences that  changed  my  entire  subsequent 
life.  My  father's  brother,  Mr.  John 
Merry,  a  bachelor  somewhat  advanced  in 
years,  had  made  an  investment  in  an  exten- 
sive plantation  in  Louisiana,  and  had  made 
several  trips  across  the  ocean  to  visit  it,  re- 
turning again  to  England.  On  his  last  return 
he  v^^as  married,  and,  having  arranged  to  bring 
his  young  wife  with  him  to  America  on  a 
bridal  trip,  he  persuaded  my  parents  to  let 
me  come  with  them  for  company  for  her. 
Permission  for  a  four  months'  vacation  ac- 
cordingly was  obtained  from  the  convent,  and 
preparations  were  made  for  the  voyage. 

13 


14  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

At  that  time,  now  more  than  sixty  years 
ago,  there  were  but  few  steamers  on  the  high 
seas,  and  ocean  travel  continued  mostly  in  the 
old-fashioned  sail  vessels.  My  uncle  engaged 
passage  on  a  ship  called  the  Astrachan,  a 
stoutly-built  merchantman  with  accommoda- 
tions for  a  limited  number  of  passengers,  and 
on  the  29th  of  December,  1848,  we  set  sail. 

And  now  was  soon  to  follow  an  experience 
of  disaster,  of  protracted  storm,  of  utter  ship- 
wreck, of  helpless  floating  on  trackless  wa- 
ters, of  starvation  and  death,  prolonged 
through  month  after  month,  such  as  seldom 
has  befallen  travelers  on  the  watery  waste.  So 
absolutely  distressing  were  the  experiences  of 
the  voyage  that  no  tongue  or  pen  may  ade- 
quately portray  them. 

The  trip  from  Liverpool  to  New  Orleans 
was  expected  to  be  accomplished  in  four 
weeks.  Instead  of  this  we  were  on  the  sea 
until  three  days  after  Easter,  a  period  of  fif- 
teen weeks  and  three  days.     We  were  but  a 


The  Voyage  15 

few  days  out  from  Liverpool  when  the  storm 
struck  us,  continuing  for  many  days,  and  with 
such  terrific  severity  that  our  vessel  became 
an  utter  prey  to  its  fury.  Our  two  suits  of 
sail  were  rent  until  only  fragments  remained; 
the  mainmast  was  broken  beyond  repair;  the 
cabin,  a  thing  of  frailty  before  such  terrific 
power,  was  shattered  and  swept  away ;  a  leak 
was  sprung  in  the  hold  which  no  means  at 
command  could  fully  repair,  so  that  trunks 
and  boxes  floated  about  in  the  rapidly  filling 
water. 

The  cabin  being  gone,  all  the  passengers 
were  now  confined  below,  the  hatch  being 
firmly  closed  to  prevent  any  persons  except 
the  seamen  appearing  on  deck.  With  the  con- 
tinued stress  of  the  storm,  and  with  knowl- 
edge of  the  helpless  condition  of  the  ship,  the 
consternation  of  the  passengers  became  inde- 
scribable. Most  of  the  time  they  were  in  abso- 
lute darkness,  keeping  the  lights  burning  be- 
coming impossible.     They  could  but  hear  the 


16  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

incessant  roaring  of  the  storm  above,  the  sul- 
len sound  of  water  pressing  into  the  hold,  and 
the  heavy  beating  of  the  waves  against  the 
ship.  Mingled  with  these  sounds  were  the 
cries  of  the  fearstricken  passengers  in  the 
gloomy  prison  of  the  ship. 

One  time  especially  I  most  distinctly  re- 
member, when  the  captain,  brave  officer  that 
he  was,  had  given  up  all  hope  that  the  ship 
could  be  saved.  Coming  to  the  hatchway  he 
announced  his  belief  that  all  was  lost,  and 
called  upon  the  passengers  who  believed  in 
God,  or  who  could  pray,  to  appeal  to  the  Al- 
mighty for  help.  The  agonizing  scene  which 
followed  no  language  can  describe.  In  the  al- 
most rayless  darkness  parents  called  to  their 
children,  children  to  their  parents,  and  friends 
to  their  friends:  "Oh,  where  are  you?  Come 
here  and  let  us  die  together."  Whether  or 
not  the  fervent  prayers  of  that  hour  brought 
answer  from  him  who  is  Lord  of  the  seas, 
and  who  with  his  word  stilled  the  waves  on 


The  Voyage  17 

Galilee,  the  fur}^  of  the  winds  soon  after- 
ward began  to  abate,  and  comparative  quiet 
followed  the  fearful  storm. 

But  even  now,  when  at  last  the  great  power 
of  the  storm  was  spent,  none  on  board  could 
anticipate  the  more  dire  calamities  which  yet 
awaited  our  unfortunate  company  of  sea- 
farers. The  provisioning  of  the  ship  had  been 
made  for  eight  weeks,  twice  the  time  of  ordi- 
nary expectancy  for  completing  the  voyage.  As 
the  weeks  grew  into  months,  and  the  months 
were  prolonged,  the  supplies  gradually  grew 
less ;  and  as  week  followed  after  week  all  the 
horrors  of  gaunt  starvation  were  to  be  ex- 
perienced. The  helpless  hulk  of  our  once  no- 
ble vessel  had  drifted  out  of  the  usual  routes 
of  ocean  travel,  and  while  for  weeks  our  fore- 
mast carried  a  flag  of  distress  only  a  single 
vessel,  a  man-of-war,  came  in  sight,  and  that 
also  had  hoisted  the  same  ominous  sign.  A 
boat  was  lowered  and  several  of  our  sailors 
rowed  across  to  the  vessel,  but  brought  back 


18  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

no  supplies  except  a  small  quantity  of  tobacco 
which  many  of  the  men  on  our  vessel  received 
with  great  avidity.  The  ocean  so  long  ago 
was  not  covered  with  ships  as  it  is  at  the 
present  time,  and  once  out  of  the  lines  of  or- 
dinary travel  a  vessel  might  indeed  be  lost 
for  a  long  period  without  seeing  a  single  sail. 

Our  supplies  of  food  and  water  gradually 
reached  the  point  of  almost  absolute  exhaus- 
tion, so  that  only  the  half  of  a  sea  biscuit 
was  given  to  a  passenger  as  a  daily  ration. 
Under  the  strain  of  this  terrible  famine,  thir- 
ty-two of  our  people  died,  including  passen- 
gers and  seamen,  while  most  of  tl.ose  >vho 
finally  reached  our  goal  were  reduced  to  the 
merest  skeletons.  Meanwhile,  constant  exer- 
tion had  to  be  made  to  keep  the  ship  from 
sinking.  The  pumps  were  kept  going  day  and 
night,  passengers  and  crew  taking  turns,  and 
some  of  the  men  dropped  dead  at  the  work. 

How  our  vessel  finally  entered  the  Gulf  of 
Mexico,  and  how  it  proceeded  westward  so  as 


The  Voyage  19 

to  reach  the  mouths  of  the  Mississippi,  I  am 
not  now,  from  my  youth  and  inexperience  at 
that  time,  able  to  recount.  But  I  remember 
some  most  pathetic  scenes  that  were  enacted 
on  board,  when  one  morning  we  gained  the 
first  sight  of  land.  The  morning  was  quiet 
and  beautiful ;  the  sun  had  just  arisen,  when 
land  in  view  was  announced.  The  passengers 
who  were  able  to  leave  their  couches  hastened- 
to  come  on  deck.  Others,  too  weak  to  walk, 
were  assisted  to  come  up  to  share  the  delight 
of  the  welcome  vision.  All  hailed  with  inex- 
pressible joy  the  glory  of  the  sight,  intensified 
by  the  rich  April  foliage  of  a  southern  land- 
scape. Faces  haggard  and  consumed  with 
hunger,  eyes  fallen  deep  into  their  shrunken 
sockets,  were  illumined  with  an  expression  of 
gladness  such  as  previous  despair  had  deemed 
never  again  possible.  And  there  were  excla- 
mations of  thanksgiving  to  God  that  at  last 
hope  had  come  again,  for  now  we  would  be 
able  soon  to  escape  from  the  charnel  house 


20  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

which  had  so  long  confined  us  and  walk  once 
more  upon  the  solid  earth. 

On  our  approach  to  the  Mississippi,  we  were 
met  by  the  pilot  boat,  and  from  its  stores  of 
rice  and  water  we  received  our  first  supply  of 
food.  With  the  greatest  eagerness  the  small 
amount  parcelled  out  to  us  was  eaten,  while 
the  earnest  begging  for  more  was  rigidly  de- 
nied; for  there  was  at  once  a  new  source  of 
danger,  lest  from  even  a  small  excess  in  eating 
death  might  result.  Our  passage  from  the  lower 
waters  of  the  river  to  the  city  was  without 
incident,  but  the  green  grasses,  the  foliage  of 
the  trees,  and  especially  the  golden  fruit  on 
the  orange  trees,  were  most  delightful  to  our 
eyes  after  months  of  ocean  travel. 

Our  arrival  at  New  Orleans  was  to  bring  us 
another  disappointment.  The  passengers  had 
anticipated  immediate  debarkation,  and  con- 
soled themselves  with  thoughts  of  the  abun- 
dant food  which  they  soon  would  obtain.  This 
hope  was  to  be  chilled  rudely  by  the  coming  of 


The  Voyage  21 

the  medical  officers  on  board,  who  ordered  a 
detention  on  the  river  for  fourteen  days,  until 
all  on  board  could  be  so  far  dieted  as  to  make 
landing  safe.  And  so  we  were  transferred  to 
another  vessel  and  anchored  in  the  middle  of 
the  river. 


Yellow  Fever 

OUR  landing  at  New  Orleans  was  to 
bring  us  at  once  face  to  face  with 
another  peril  no  less  dreadful  than 
that  of  shipwreck  and  starvation  on  the 
sea.  It  was  now  the  beginning  of  May, 
and  that  fearful  scourge,  the  yellow  fever, 
which  has  so  often  in  the  past  visited  our 
southern  cities,  was  prevailing  in  its  direst 
form.  The  people  of  our  vessel  who  were 
left,  emaciated  and  reduced  by  the  famine, 
were  in  ill  condition  to  resist  the  power  of 
this  new  foe,  and  many  of  them  soon  fell  vic- 
tims to  its  ravages. 

My  uncle  and  aunt  and  myself  were  among 
those  who  survived  the  dangers  of  the  sea,  and 
we  were  hoping,  after  some  days  of  rest  and 
recuperation,  to  leave  the  city  and  proceed  in- 
land to  my  uncle's  plantation.    We  stopped  at 


24  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

the  St.  Charles  Hotel,  that  well-known  hos- 
telry of  the  past,  reduced  to  ashes  some  years 
ago,  and  succeeded  now  by  a  splendid  new  edi- 
fice. For  some  days,  as  strength  was  begin- 
ning to  return,  we  experienced  a  joy  and  hope- 
fulness such  as  we  had  not  known  through  the 
gloomy  months  of  helpless  drifting  on  the  sea. 
But  alas,  our  hope  was  destined  to  bitter  dis- 
appointment. Within  a  few  weeks  we  were 
smitten  with  the  dreadful  scourge,  and  little 
power  remained  to  battle  with  the  disease.  The 
angel  of  death  struck  us  each  with  his  wing ;  I 
alone  survived.  My  aunt  was  the  first  to  yield, 
and  her  body  was  hastened  away  to  the  ceme-' 
tery.  Not  many  days  later,  my  uncle  followed. 
We  two  were  not  yet  stricken  when  my  aunt 
died  and  we  attended  her  body  to  the  burial. 
I  was  taken  next,  and  then  my  uncle,  and  in  a 
few  days  he  died.  On  account  of  my  weak- 
ened condition,  all  knowledge  of  his  death  was 
carefully  withheld  from  me  for  many  days. 
The  nurses  were  sisters  of  charity,  and  they 


Yellow  Fever  25 

cared  for  me  throughout  my  illness  with  the 
utmost  tenderness.  Father  Woods,  the  pastor 
of  one  of  the  Catholic  churches,  visited  me 
frequently  as  confessor. 

During  the  days  of  my  wearisome  waiting, 
I  often  begged  to  see  my  uncle,  but  the  nurses 
told  me  he  was  too  weak  to  see  me,  or  to  per- 
mit my  being  carried  to  his  room  to  see  him. 
When  at  last,  after  about  three  weeks,  I  was 
thought  to  be  strong  enough  to  bear  the  infor- 
mation, Father  Woods,  with  the  doctor,  and 
the  proprietor  of  the  hotel  and  his  wife,  came 
into  my  room  to  impart  to  me  the  dreadful 
truth.  On  seeing  the  anxious  expression  on 
their  faces,  I  quickly  discerned  the  nature  of 
their  errand.  But  oh,  the  intense  agony  of 
that  moment  when  the  direful  truth  was  con- 
veyed to  me  it  were  indeed  vain  to  attempt 
to  portray.  An  indescribable  sense  of  loss  and 
of  utter  loneliness  came  upon  me.  I  was  sep- 
arated by  thousands  of  miles  from  my  parents 
and  friends  at  home.    Not  a  soul  was  near  me 


26  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

whom  I  had  ever  before  known.  Strangers 
were  they  all,  hotel  people,  physician,  nurses, 
women  in  the  hotel.  All  were  kind,  and  all 
seemed  anxious  to  comfort  and  care  for  me. 
But  the  faces  of  the  dear  ones  with  whom  I 
had  come  over  the  sea  I  should  never  see 
again,  and  the  loved  ones  at  home  were  so 
far  away. 

The  proprietor  of  the  hotel  was  a  Mr. 
Deane,  earlier  of  Cincinnati.  Mrs.  Deane  also 
was  of  Cincinnati,  and,  as  I  afterward  learned, 
was  closely  related  to  Mr.  Mitchell,  of  the 
widely  known  firm  of  Mitchell  and  Rammels- 
berg,  in  that  city.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Deane  be- 
came as  guardian  angels  to  me.  My  uncle, 
before  dying,  had  committed  me  to  their 
charge,  and  to  them  I  was  very  greatly  in- 
debted. Of  them  I  shall  have  more  to  say 
presently. 


Coming  to  Cincinnati 

WITH  the  continued  prevalence  of 
the  yellow  fever,  business  in  New 
Orleans  was  almost  completely  at  a 
standstill,  and  people  in  great  numbers 
were  leaving  the  city,  seeking  escape  from 
the  dread  destroyer.  The  hotels  shared  the 
general  prostration,  the  St.  Charles  in  common 
with  the  rest.  Mr.  Deane  decided  to  join  the 
exodus,  and  with  Mrs.  Deane,  to  come  north 
for  a  time  to  Cincinnati,  that  city  having  been 
their  early  home,  and,  in  accordance  with  his 
promise  to  my  uncle  to  look  after  my  welfare, 
they  brought  me  with  them.  Quarantine  reg- 
ulations to  prevent  exit,  if  any  existed,  were 
loosely  appHed,  and  there  was  no  hindrance  to 
any  persons  leaving  the  city  who  were  able  to 
do  so.  The  small  amount  of  business  that  re- 
mained for  the  hotel  was  given  into  the  care 
of  the  proprietor's  son  and  trustworthy  clerks, 
passage  on  a  steamer  was  engaged,  and  the 

27 


28  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

journey  from  the  plague-smitten  city  was  be- 
gun. Among  the  painful  thoughts  that  now 
oppressed  my  mind  was  this,  that  I  was  leav- 
ing my  beloved  uncle  and  aunt  to  lie  in  un- 
known graves. 

The  summer  was  now  well  advanced,  and 
verdure  was  everywhere  in  its  fullest  luxuri- 
ance and  beauty.  The  scenery  along  the  broad 
waters  of  the  Mississippi,  and  later  along  the 
hills  skirting  the  Ohio,  was  all  new  and  strange 
to  me,  and  yet  often  gave  my  young  heart  the 
keenest  delight.  There  was  an  immeasurable 
contrast  between  this  journey  and  the  helpless 
beating  to  and  fro  on  the  wide  wastes  of  the 
Atlantic.  Even  the  weary  days  of  battling  for 
life  in  the  sick  chamber  of  the  St.  Charles, 
and  the  bitter  bereavement  of  the  loved  ones 
who  were  lost  in  that  struggle,  were  sometimes 
almost  forgotten  in  the  inspiration  of  these 
changed  circumstances,  so  quickly  does  buoy- 
ant young  life  respond  to  helpful  and  uplift- 
ing conditions. 


Coming  to  Cincinnati  29 

Arrived  at  Cincinnati,  we  went  to  the  Den- 
nison  House,  at  that  time  among  the  foremost 
hotels  in  the  city.  And  here  presently  was  to 
begin  an  acquaintance  which  had  much  to  do 
in  determining  all  the  future  of  my  life.  In 
the  lists  of  arrivals  as  published  in  the  daily 
papers  were  the  names  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Deane, 
and  soon  old  acquaintances  and  friends  of 
theirs  began  to  call  on  them.  Among  these  was 
a  Mrs.  Grayson,  formerly  of  the  city  of  Man- 
chester. Accompanying  her  was  her  daughter, 
a  young  girl  of  about  my  own  age.  Having 
been  introduced,  we  two  presently  stepped  to 
the  verandah,  Mrs.  Deane  and  Mrs.  Grayson 
remaining  in  the  parlor.  In  their  conversa- 
tion Mrs.  Deane  mentioned  to  Mrs.  Grayson 
that  I  had  come  in  the  care  of  Mr.  Deane  and 
herself  from  New  Orleans,  that  I  was  from  the 
city  of  Manchester,  and  related  to  her  a  part 
of  the  tragic  story  of  our  shipwreck,  the  death 
of  my  uncle  and  aunt,  and  that  I  had  come  on 
to   Cincinnati  to  await   information   from   an 


30  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

uncle  with  whom  I  expected  to  return  to  Eng- 
land at  an- early  day. 

Mrs.  Grayson  listened  to  the  story  with  deep 
interest,  especially  on  learning  that  I  was  from 
her  own  native  city.  Calling  me  in,  she  in- 
terrogated me  in  regard  to  streets  and  places 
in  Manchester,  and  I  soon  learned  that  she  was 
familiar  with  many  of  the  names  and  places 
that  were  familiar  to  me.  I  found  that  even  her 
father's  place  of  business  was  well  known  to 
me.  Her  father  was  a  manufacturer  of  fine 
candies,  and  his  place,  being  located  on  the 
way  between  our  home  and  the  convent,  my 
mother  often  stopped  there  to  order  sweet- 
meats when  accompanying  my  sister  and  my- 
self to  or  from  the  convent  school. 

Mrs.  Grayson  then,  with  her  heart  warmed 
toward  a  lone  young  girl  so  far  away  from  her 
home,  remarked  that  she  would  be  pleased  to 
have  me  become  her  guest,  and  be  company 
for  her  daughter  while  I  was  waiting  to  hear 
from  the  uncle  with  whom  I  was  to  return  to 


Coming  to  Cincinnati  31 

England.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Deane  assented  to 
the  kind  proposition  and  I  was  pleased  to  ac- 
cept, little  thinking  that  the  Lord  was  leading 
me  in  a  way  that  I  knew  not,  and  that  so  soon 
a  new  direction  was  to  be  ordered  for  all  my 
subsequent  life.  The  next  morning  this  good 
lady's  carriage  called  at  the  hotel  to  take  me, 
with  my  baggage,  to  her  hospitable  home. 

It  is  now  time  that  I  should  relate  what 
plans  had  been  made  for  my  return  to  Eng- 
land when  my  visit  to  America  should  be  com- 
pleted. A  priest  uncle,  a  brother  of  my 
mother,  had  been  commissioned  to  come  to 
America  with  messages  from  the  pope  to  the 
bishop  of  Albany,  New  York,  and  to  some  of 
the  bishops  of  the  church  in  Canada.  My  uncle 
and  aunt  whom  I  accompanied  to  America  had 
planned  to  spend  a  year  in  this  country  before 
returning  home,  but  they  were  to  take  me  to 
Albany  within  the  time  provided  for  my  ab- 
sence from  the  convent  school,  and  from  there 
my  priest  uncle  was  to  take  me  home  to  Eng- 


32  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

land.  But  the  long  delay  of  our  vessel  on  the 
ocean,  and  the  waiting  for  months  without  a 
message  of  any  kind,  led  at  last  to  the  helief 
that  all  w^ere  lost,  and  that  we  should  never  be 
heard  of  again.  A  letter  from  the  bishop  of 
Albany,  in  reply  to  one  from  Mr.  Deane,  stated 
that  my  uncle  had  waited  at  Albany  for  nearly 
three  weeks,  when,  entertaining  no  longer  any 
hope,  and  with  duties  at  home  urging  his  re- 
turn, he  had  reluctantly  taken  his  departure. 

To  the  letters  of  my  uncle,  written  from 
New  Orleans  upon  our  arrival  there,  and  that 
of  Mr.  Deane  after  the  death  of  my  uncle  and 
aunt,  no  replies  had  been  received  before  our 
leaving  that  city.  Mail  communication,  espe- 
cially across  the  ocean,  was  slow  at  that  period. 
No  ocean  cable  flashed  messages  across  the 
water,  and  telegraphy  was  as  an  art  just  en- 
tering its  early  stages.  To  my  own  correspond- 
ence there  must  needs  be  some  weeks  of  wait- 
ing before  an  answer  from  home  could  be  re- 
ceived. 


In  a  Protestant  Church 

INF  ACCORDANCE  with  my  careful  training 
I  soon  found  my  way  to  the  morning  serv- 
ice at  the  cathedral,  where  Bishop  Pur- 
cell,  later  archbishop,  was  the  chief  pastor. 
I  also  soon  made  the  acquaintance  of  the 
bishop,  and  he  learned  from  me  the  story  of 
my  coming  to  America  and  of  my  sad  exper- 
ience in  New  Orleans.  He  received  me  with 
a  tender  and  sympathetic  interest,  and 
treated  me  with  kindly  consideration.  For 
weeks  I  was  regularly  present  each  morning  at 
the  cathedral  service,  the  daughter  of  my  gen- 
erous friend  accompanying  me,  usually  with 
the  family  carriage. 

Finally,  one  day,  Miss  Grayson  invited  me 
to  go  with  her  and  her  mother  to  their  church. 
This  I  learned  was  called  the  Presbyterian. 
The  name,  however,  did  not  signify  much  to 

33 


34  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

me,  as  I  had  no  distinct  recognition  of  any 
difference  in  denominations.  To  me  there  was 
only  one  church,  the  Roman  Catholic,  while  all 
others  were  simply  Protestant. 

To  this  invitation  of  Miss  Grayson,  I  made 
reply,  "Oh,  I  cannot."  "Why  not?"  she  nat- 
urally asked,  and  I  again  replied,  but  with 
added  emphasis,  "Oh,  I  cannot." 

"Why,"  she  rejoined,  "I  have  been  going 
with  you  to  your  church,  and  now  why  can 
you  not  go  with  me  to  mine?" 

To  this  I  replied,  "It  would  be  a  sin,  and  I 
should  have  to  confess  it  to  the  priest." 

"Why,  that  is  strange,"  she  continued;  "I 
do  not  feel  it  to  be  a  sin  to  go  to  your  church, 
and  I  do  not  have  to  confess  it  to  anyone." 

On  retiring  to  my  room  I  began  to  reflect  on 
our  conversation,  and  I  could  but  feel  that  it 
was  very  ungracious  and  indeed  quite  unpar- 
donable to  refuse  the  request  when  I  had  been 
receiving  so  great  kindness  from  this  dear 
mother  and  daughter.    On  further  thought,  I 


In  a  Protestant  Church  35 

decided  that  I  would  go,  and  afterward  make 
confession  of  my  sin,  for  a  sin  it  then  appeared 
to  me  to  be,  and  do  such  penance  as  my  priest 
would  require. 

Accordingly,  having  attended  the  cathedral 
service  in  the  morning,  I  made  preparation  to 
go  in  the  evening,  for  the  first  time  in  my  life, 
to  a  Protestant  house  of  worship.  A  part  of 
this  preparation  consisted  in  putting  away  my 
cross  and  rosary,  fearing  they  would  be  defiled 
if  taken  into  a  Protestant  church.  As  we 
walked  toward  the  church,  I  was  almost  over- 
come with  trepidation  and  fear,  and  when  we 
arrived  at  the  door  I  said  to  Mrs.  Grayson, 
"Oh,  I  cannot  go  in,  I  cannot  go  in."  "Why, 
my  dear,"  Mrs.  Grayson  replied,  "we  cannot 
do  otherwise  now.  The  hour  for  service  is 
here ;  we  cannot  take  you  back  home,  and  you 
could  not  find  the  way." 

A  few  minutes  later  I  was  seated  with  Mrs. 
Grayson  and  her  daughter  in  their  pew  in  the 
church.     But  can  my  readers  imagine  how  I 


36  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

was  shocked  when  I  looked  around  upon  the 
bare  walls  of  the  large  room,  with  not  a  pic- 
ture or  image  of  a  saint,  or  scene  in  the  life  of 
Christ  for  the  eye  to  rest  upon,  to  relieve  the 
coldness  or  assist  in  quickening  the  feeling  of 
devotion.  And  then  I  was  still  more  shocked 
at  not  seeing  an  altar,  or  any  candles,  or  any 
other  rich  furnishings,  such  as  I  always  had 
been  accustomed  to  see.  There  was  simply  a 
pulpit,  very  unimpressive  except  in  its  lack  of 
anything  beautiful,  and  an  aged  man  in  plain 
black  clothing  with  no  rich  clerical  vestments, 
sitting  back  of  it  against  the  wall.  To  me  the 
scene  was  all  forbidding  barrenness,  and  I 
wondered  how  the  people  could  feel  that  it  was 
a  place  of  worship.  The  singing,  in  which  the 
congregation  joined,  seemed  pleasant  enough, 
but  in  the  long  prayer  there  were  no  responses. 
Then  followed  a  sermon,  to  me  tedious  and 
wearisome,  and  I  was  glad  when  at  last  all  was 
over.  I  left  the  place  wondering  how  people 
could  be  pleased  with  a  service  in  which  they 


In  a  Protestant  Church  37 

had  so  little  part,  and  which  seemed  to  me  so 
cold  and  barren. 

During  my  stay  in  the  church,  my  thoughts 
reverted  again  and  again  to  my  home  across 
the  sea.  What  would  my  father  and  mother 
think  if  they  could  know  that  I  was  at  this 
hour  seated  within  the  walls  of  a  Protestant 
church!  The  thought  became  intensely  pain- 
ful to  me,  so  that  I  could  not  restrain  my  tears, 
my  weeping  attracting  the  attention  of  those 
around  me.  I  realized,  too,  that  to  Mrs.  Gray- 
son it  was  a  source  of  embarrassment,  and  I 
most  bitterly  wished  that  in  some  way  I  might 
die,  and  be  relieved  of  a  situation  so  painfully 
distressing,  and  from  the  sin  which  I  believed 
I  was  committing. 

I  must  here  absolve  Mrs.  Grayson  and  her 
daughter  from  any  imputation  of  hidden  pur- 
pose on  their  part.  I  do  not  think  that  they  had 
the  most  distant  thought  of  turning  me  away 
from  the  form  of  religious  faith  and  worship 
in  which  I  had  been  brought  up.    It  was  their 


38  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

single  wish  to  make  my  stay  with  them  as 
pleasant  as  possible  until  my  father,  or  some 
one  sent  by  him,  should  come  and  take  me 
home. 


A  New  Experience 

IN  THE  ordering  of  divine  providence,  my 
steps  were  soon  to  lead  me  to  an  exper- 
ience that  I  had  not  anticipated,  and 
which,  if  one  had  foretold  it,  I  should  have 
declared  utterly  impossible.  On  our  way  re- 
turning from  the  Presbyterian  Church,  we  were 
to  pass  in  the  near  vicinity  of  a  Methodist 
Episcopal  Church,  the  once  well-known  Morris 
Chapel,  succeeded  later  by  the  more  elegant 
St.  Paul's.  Mrs.  Grayson  had  a  brother  who 
was  a  member  of  this  church,  and  she  proposed 
that  we  should  pass  that  way  and  her  brother 
would  accompany  us  home. 

As  we  approached  the  church,  we  were 
greeted  by  the  sound  of  singing,  in  which  the 
whole  congregation  seemed  to  be  engaged.  As 
I  learned  afterward,  services  called  revival 
meetings  were  in  progress.  Mrs.  Gray- 
son went  inside  to  speak  to  her  brother,  while 

39 


40  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

her  daughter  and  I  lingered  in  the  vestibule. 
The  people  were  singing  with  so  much  fervor 
that  it  seemed  really  beautiful,  and  I  presently 
desired  to  go  in.  I  reasoned,  too,  in  this  way : 
that,  as  I  had  already  committed  an  offense  for 
which  I  must  give  account  to  my  confessor,  I 
might  as  well  add  this  and  receive  forgiveness 
for  both.  Entering  the  door,  an  usher  gave  us 
a  seat  well  toward  the  middle  of  the  church. 
From  here  I  noticed  that,  while  a  large 
group  was  standing  near  the  pulpit  engaged 
in  singing,  others  were  kneeling  and  appar- 
ently engaged  in  earnest  prayer.  This  was  all 
so  new  and  strange  to  me,  and  I  asked  Miss 
Grayson  why  they  were  praying  in  that  way. 
Quietly  she  explained  that  they  were  pray- 
ing to  have  their  sins  forgiven.  It  was  difficult 
for  me  to  comprehend  the  thought  of  sins 
being  forgiven  in  that  manner,  the  only  for- 
giveness I  had  known  being  that  which  came 
from  the  priest  in  the  confessional.  But  my 
interest  was  aroused  to  an  intense  degree,  and 


A  New  Experience  41 

I  took   the  closest  note  of  what   I   saw  and 
heard,  amid  the  new  surroundings. 

Soon,  however,  I  was  to  experience  an 
alarm  which  caused  the  eyes  of  all  to  turn  to- 
ward me.  In  one  of  the  corners  of  the  church 
nearest  the  pulpit,  on  the  side  occupied  by  the 
women  after  the  earlier  manner  of  dividing 
the  men  from  the  women,  sat  an  elderly  wo- 
man, who,  under  the  impulse  of  intense  reli- 
gious feeling,  began  to  clap  her  hands.  Pres- 
ently she  arose  and  began  jumping  up  and 
down  after  the  manner  then  frequently  seen, 
as  I  afterward  learned,  in  some  of  the  Metho- 
dist churches.  I  at  once  thought  that  she  was 
insane,  and  as  she  moved  forward,  and  then  in 
the  direction  toward  where  I  was  sitting,  I 
was  seized  with  the  thought  that  she  was  com- 
ing to  where  we  were.  Filled  with  the  utmost 
terror,  and  screaming  aloud,  I  jumped  up  and 
ran  precipitately  toward  the  door.  In  a  mo- 
ment Mrs.  Grayson  and  others  were  at  my 
side  assuring    me  that  no  possible  harm  could 


42  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

befall  me,  but  I  could  not  be  persuaded  to  re- 
turn again  to  my  seat. 

Among  those  who  came  to  me  to  reassure 
me  were  a  Mr.  Moran  and  his  wife.  Mr.  Mo- 
ran,  who  I  later  learned  had  been  educated  for 
the  Catholic  priesthood,  spoke  a  few  kindly 
words  to  me,  and  Mrs.  Moran  put  her  arms 
around  me,  saying:  "Oh,  my  dear  child,  I 
know  what  is  the  matter  with  you.  But  God 
will  take  care  of  you,  and  everything  will  soon 
be  right." 

I  did  not  at  all  comprehend  the  meaning  of 
her  words,  but  thought  she  was  taking  undue 
liberty  in  putting  her  arms  about  me.  When  I 
came  to  understand  later,  I  knew  she  thought 
I  was  under  conviction  for  sin.  I  was  indeed 
under  conviction  for  sin,  but  not  in  the  sense 
that  she  supposed.  My  only  conviction  was 
that  of  sinning  in  going  into  a  Protestant 
church,  and  my  fear  of  meeting  my  confessor 
to  give  an  account  of  what  I  had  done.  Yet  I 
was  deeply  impressed  with  the  seeming  ear- 


A  New  Experience  43 

nestness  and  sincerity  of  the  people,  and  with 
the  direct  address  of  their  prayers  to  God  in 
the  name  of  Christ  for  salvation,  without  the 
intervention  of  apostles  or  saints,  and  this,  I 
doubt  not,  had  much  to  do  with  bringing  about 
what  afterward  followed. 

We  did  not  linger  long  after  this  at  the 
church.  Arriving  at  home,  I  soon  retired  to 
my  room,  but  not  to  quiet  rest.  My  mind  was 
wrought  up  to  an  intense  degree,  and  for  a 
long  time  I  lay  awake  thinking  on  the  expe- 
riences of  the  evening,  on  the  reckoning  I 
would  have  to  make  with  my  confessor,  and  of 
my  parents  in  a  distant  land  who  would  be  hor- 
rified and  angry  with  me  for  what  I  had  done. 

Sleep  at  last  came  to  my  eyes,  but  it  was  a 
troubled  sleep.  The  tumult  of  my  thoughts 
could  not  be  readily  stayed,  but  I  did  not  know 
that  through  this  very  tumult  God  was  sup- 
plying one  of  the  means  by  which  I  was  soon  to 
be  directed  into  such  knowledge  of  himself  as 
I  had  not  before  known. 


44  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

I  have  not  throughout  my  life  paid  much  re- 
gard to  dreams.  Yet  I  believe  that  God  may, 
and  sometimes  does,  employ  even  such  an 
agency  to  send  conviction,  or  a  new  inspira- 
tion, to  the  hearts  of  men,  and  this  in  accord- 
ance with  numerous  instances  recorded  in  the 
Holy  Book.  In  my  restless  sleep  a  dream  came 
to  me  that  made  upon  my  consciousness  a  deep 
impression  and  bore  a  significance  which  I  af- 
terward most  forcibly  realized. 

I  stood  upon  the  low  banks  of  a  beautiful 
stream,  and  presently  I  heard  above  me  voices 
in  most  delightful  song.  Soon  the  voices 
seemed  to  move  up  the  course  of  the  stream, 
and,  charmed  with  the  beautiful  music,  I  at- 
tempted to  follow.  Presently  I  found  my  feet 
in  the  water,  and  soon  the  stream  was  deeper 
and  wider.  Its  beauty  disappeared,  steep 
banks  arose  on  either  side,  and  fear  began  to 
overcome  me.  I  looked  to  the  top  of  the  bank 
for  help,  and  there  saw  Father  Woods,  my  for- 
mer confessor,  and  cried  to  him  to  assist  me. 


A  New  Experience  45 

He  met  my  appeal  with  coldness,  uttered  a  few 
words  of  reproach,  and  turned  away.  For  a 
few  moments  I  was  held  in  an  agony  of  despair. 
Then  I  looked  again,  and  saw  a  most  beautiful 
vision.  It  was  the  divine  form  of  the  Savior. 
I  stretched  out  my  hands  toward  him,  and  hfe 
bade  me,  "Come  hither,  my  child,  to  me."  In 
a  moment  I  scaled  with  an  almost  gliding  mo- 
tion the  steep  declivity,  and  stood  delighted 
and  saved  in  his  presence. 

I  awoke  in  the  morning  calm  and  serene  in 
feeling,  but  with  a  most  vivid  impression  of  the 
dream  in  my  mind,  yet  not  comprehending  its 
significance.  But  it  seemed  strange  to  me  that 
the  priest  who  had  earlier  been  so  kind  to  me 
should  now  with  scorn  turn  from  me,  while 
Jesus,  whom  before  I  had  approached  only 
through  intermediate  persons,  now  heard  me 
face  to  face. 


The  Morning  Dawn 

AT  ABOUT  nine  o'clock  on  Monday 
morning  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Moran  called 
to  see  me.  As  they  knew  nothing  of 
my  past,  of  my  home  in  England,  or  my 
coming  to  America,  or  how  I  came  to  be  in 
Cincinnati,  they  made  friendly  inquiry,  sympa- 
thized tenderly  with  me  for  the  tragic  and  sor- 
rowful experiences  I  had  undergone  on  the 
ocean  and  in  New  Orleans,  and  for  my  present 
loneliness  in  waiting  for  a  message  from  my 
parents,  and  expressed  the  hope  that  someone 
would  soon  arrive  to  take  me  home. 

After  conversing  a  while  in  this  way,  Mr. 
Moran  proposed  to  have  prayer  with  me.  I 
was  shocked  at  the  thought  of  having  a  Prot- 
estant pray  for  me,  but,  as  his  appearance  was 
so  fatherly  and  his  manner  so  kindly  sympa- 
thetic, I  could  not  object.  His  prayer  was  ten- 
der and  beautiful,  committing  me  with  fervent 

47 


48  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

pleading  to  the  care  of  our  Father  in  heaven 
until  I  should  find  my  home  again  with  my 
people  in  England.  In  tone  it  was  so  different 
from  any  prayer  I  had  ever  heard  as  to  make 
a  deep  impression  on  my  mind. 

After  the  prayer,  as  he  and  Mrs.  Moran 
were  about  to  depart,  he  invited  me,  with  Miss 
Grayson,  to  ride  with  them  in  their  carriage. 
The  morning  ride  was  refreshing  to  me  after 
the  tense  excitement  of  the  evening  and  night. 
But  in  our  conversation  no  reference  was 
made,  as  there  had  not  been  before,  to  any  pos- 
sible change  of  religion,  neither  did  I  at  this 
time  know  that  Mr.  Moran  was  a  convert  from 
the  Roman  Catholic  Church. 

On  our  return,  the  day  was  spent  in  quiet- 
ness, as  was  also  the  day  following.  But  my 
mind  was  sorely  distressed  by  the  circumstan- 
ces, with  thoughts  of  how  I  should  meet  my 
confessor,  and  of  the  results  to  follow  in  my 
home  in  England  when  the  facts  should  become 
known.     During  these  days  I  did  not  go  to 


The  Morning  Dawn  49 

mass,  as  I  had  been  accustomed  each  morning 
to  do.  Wednesday  afternoon,  however,  found 
me  again  at  the  Methodist  church  to  attend  a 
special  revival  service.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Moran 
calling  for  me,  I  went  without  reluctance. 

And  here  began  the  real  development  of  the 
religious  impulses  which  brought  me  into  a 
true  spiritual  experience.  I  was  deeply  bur- 
dened wth  a  consciousness  of  sin,  and  after  a 
period  of  earnest  prayer  entered  into  a  blessed 
experience  of  acceptance  with  Christ  as  my 
gracious  and  present  Savior.  In  the  spiritual 
ecstacy  with  which  my  heart  was  filled,  I  felt 
the  deeper  joy  in  the  fact  that  I  could  come  di- 
rectly to  Jesus  Christ  in  a  conscious  and 
blessed  communion. 

With  this  experience  which  was  so  joyfully 
sustained,  I  felt  that  the  die  was  cast.  I  knew 
that  I  could  no  longer  appear  at  the  confes- 
sional, or  use  the  privileges  of  the  Roman 
Catholic  Church,  unless  I  would  confess  that 
in  all  this  I  had  committed  grievous  sin  for 


50  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

which  I  must  do  ample  penance;  so  not  long 
afterward,  after  much  thought  and  prayer,  I 
decided  to  cast  my  lot  with  the  Methodist 
church.  The  immediate  result  was  intense  ex- 
citement among  many  of  the  attendants  at  the 
cathedral,  with  a  number  of  whom  I  had 
formed  acquaintance,  and  friendship  and  sym- 
pathetic feeling  were  quickly  changed  into  bit- 
terness. 


M' 


My  Brother's  Coming 

EAN WHILE,  as  the  days  went  by,  I 
continued  to  attend  the  services  at 
the  Methodist  church,  becoming 
steadily  more  confirmed  in  my  newly-found 
experience,  and  in  the  spiritual  joy  of  a 
direct  communion  with  Christ  as  my  Savior. 
In  this  frame  I  waited  for  the  expected  com- 
ing of  my  father,  or  someone  whom  he  should 
send  to  take  me  home  to  England.  In  an  al- 
most childlike  innocency,  I  cherished  the 
thought  that  I  could  keep  from  my  people  the 
knowledge  of  what  I  had  done,  and  that  I 
would  continue  to  worship  in  the  way  I  had 
now  learned,  while  I  might  also  worship  in  the 
forms  of  the  Catholic  Church.  In  this  I  was 
ere  long  to  meet  with  a  bitter  disillusionment. 
Some  weeks  had  now  passed  by,  when  one 
morning  the  door  bell  rang  and  I  was  called 

51 


52  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

from  my  room  to  meet  a  man  who  was  wishing 
to  see  me.    This  was  my  brother. 

Upon  receiving  my  letters,  written  from 
Cincinnati  immediately  after  my  arrival  there, 
my  father  at  once  dispatched  a  message  to  my 
brother  in  Rome  where  he  was  a  student  for 
the  priesthood,  summoning  him  home,  to  pre- 
pare with  all  speed  for  a  trip  to  America.  I 
soon  found  that  he  had  been  fully  advised  of 
all  that  had  transpired  in  Cincinnati.  This  was 
in  part  through  information  sent  to  my  par- 
ents before  his  arrival  in  Manchester,  and  in 
part,  and  more  fully,  on  his  arrival  in  Cin- 
cinnati. In  this  city  he  called  at  the  episcopal 
residence  before  calling  to  see  me. 

His  manner  toward  me  was  stern  and  cold. 
He  declared  I  had  put  a  lasting  disgrace  upon 
our  family,  and  peremptorily  ordered  me  to 
prepare  immediately  to  start  for  New  York  to 
embark  for  England. 

I  saw  that  I  stood  at  once  face  to  face  with 
the  greatest  possible  emergency.     To  return 


My  Brother's  Coming  53 

to  England  would  mean  the  immediate  renun- 
ciation of  the  Protestant  faith  which  I  had  es- 
poused and  which  had  become  so  dear  to  me. 
It  would  mean  also  the  most  severe  humiliation 
the  church  could  inflict,  not  improbably  con- 
finement in  a  convent  for  life.  The  moment 
was  one  of  supreme  trial.  I  lifted  my  heart  to 
God  for  counsel  as  to  the  decision  I  should 
make.  Faith  triumphed,  and  I  declined  to  go. 
My  brother,  becoming  very  angry  and  stamp- 
ing his  foot,  declared,  "I  will  see  that  you  do 
go."  He  went  away  to  take  legal  counsel,  and 
by  two  law  firms,  one  of  them  Roman  Catholic, 
was  advised  that  there  was  no  recourse  for 
him,  that  in  free  America  all  persons  were  at 
liberty  to  worship  God  in  such  form  as  they 
might  elect,  or  not  to  worship  at  all  if  they 
chose  not  to  do  so. 

Finding  me  fully  determined  not  to  return 
with  him  under  the  conditions  imposed,  my 
brother  left  for  England  in  another  day  or  two. 


54  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

Intensely  pained  and  sore  at  heart,  I  retired 
to  spend  the  rest  of  the  day  in  fervent  prayer 
to  my  heavenly  Father  for  strength  to  sustain 
me  in  this  time  of  extreme  trial,  and  to  lead 
my  way  in  the  future.  I  sought  to  commit  my- 
self wholly  to  his  care,  and  felt  that  in  him 
my  heart  found  rest. 

But  now  there  was  soon  to  come  an  experi- 
ence of  trial,  the  depth  of  whose  bitterness  I 
n^ould  not  attempt  to  describe.  The  arrival  of 
my  brother  at  home,  and  the  report  he  brought 
to  my  father,  stirred  him  to  extreme  anger, 
and  a  letter  from  him  gave  me  the  deepest 
mental  distress,  and  for  a  time  I  almost  felt 
that  I  must  retrace  my  steps,  and  yield  up 
that  which  I  now  deemed  so  unspeakably  pre- 
cious. After  much  prayer,  and  a  feeling  that 
I  had  the  divine  approval,  and  that  God  would 
direct  my  way  in  whatever  was  to  come,  I 
replied  to  him  that,  much  as  I  loved  him  and 
my  mother,  I  could  not  cast  away  that  which 
I  had  found  in  God,  and  which  was  now  so 
dear  to  me. 


My  Brother's  Coming  55 

His  final  letter  to  me  was  indeed  a  crushing 
one.  After  dwelling  upon  the  disgrace,  as  he 
termed  it,  which  I  had  brought  upon  the  family, 
he  protested  that  I  should  never  say  I  had  a 
father  in  England,  and  that  he  would  never 
say  he  had  a  daughter  in  America;  and  de- 
clared that  I  should  never  inherit  of  his  estate 
what  would  jingle  on  a  tombstone,  referring 
to  the  tombstones  laid  flat  on  the  ground  in 
England.  •  He  then  added,  "I  hope  you  will 
never  come  near  me,"  with  other  words  that 
I  cannot  here  repeat.  He  then  concluded  with, 
"Farewell  forever." 

To  read  this  letter,  and  to  think  upon  its 
import,  was  a  blow,  the  weight  of  which  no 
words  can  express.  I  felt  that  I  was  now  in- 
deed alone,  exiled  at  first  by  circumstances  and 
now  by  this  terrific  decree  of  banishment,  dis- 
inherited of  the  very  ample  portion  which  in 
course  of  time  should  fall  to  me,  and  that  ere 
long,  when  my  purse  should  be  further  ex- 
hausted, I  must  stand  face  to  face  with  pov- 


56  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

erty.  The  prospect  was  so  different  from  all 
that  in  my  life  before  I  had  known,  that  the 
thought  of  it  was  most  overwhelming.  But  I 
did  not  yield  my  faith  in  God,  and,  in  the  be- 
lief that  he  would  sustain  me,  I  felt  that  I  could 
meet  martyrdom  if  that  were  necessary.  And 
I  was  not  disappointed  in  my  faith,  for  God 
raised  up  many  friends  to  stand  by  me ;  and  so 
through  all  my  life  he  has  been  pleased  to  sus- 
tain me  with  friendships  that  have  been  more 
precious  to  me  than  silver  and  gold. 

During  the  days  that  followed,  many  per- 
sons called  to  see  me,  and  their  words  of  kind- 
ness proved  of  great  comfort  to  me.  Among 
those  who  thus  called  was  a  Mr.  Jones,  one 
of  the  attorneys  whom  my  brother  had  con- 
sulted. One  day  in  conversation  with  his  part- 
ner he  said  he  believed  he  would  call  and  see 
that  young  English  girl  who  had  shown  such 
remarkable  firmness  in  standing  for  her  relig- 
ious convictions.  His  call  proved  very  pleasant 
and  helpful  to  me.  At  his  request  I  narrated 
something  of  my  early  life,  the  circumstances 


My  Brother's  Coming  S7 

of  my  coming  to  America,  my  experience  on 
the  ocean,  in  New  Orleans,  and  later  in  Cin- 
cinnati ;  of  my  espousal  of  the  Protestant  faith, 
and  the  coming  of  my  brother  from  Rome.  Mr. 
Jones  was  a  believer,  but  not  a  professing 
Christian;  his  wife  was  a  Presbyterian.  He 
listened  to  the  recital  with  much  interest, 
and  with  quivering  lips  remarked  that  if  he 
had  ever  been  inclined  to  doubt  the  reality  of  a 
religious  experience  he  did  not  doubt  it  now. 
When  he  arose  to  go  I  thanked  him  for  the 
interest  he  had  taken  in  me  in  protecting  me 
from  a  compulsory  return  to  the  Catholic 
faith.  He  stepped  across  to  the  other  side  of 
the  room  and  took  from  the  mantelpiece  a 
small  silken  flag,  and,  holding  it  over  my  head, 
said,  "Ah,  my  dear  child,  it  was  not  I  who 
saved  you,  it  was  this  flag  that  protected  you. 
This  protects  every  one  in  America  in  worship- 
ing God  in  any  form  he  may  choose."  I  need 
hardly  say  that  the  beautiful  American  flag  has 
ever  since  held  for  me  a  doubly  precious  mean- 
ing. 


Toil  and  Precious  Fruits 

AS  TIIME  was  now  passing,  there  were 
many  kindnesses  shown  me,  and  va- 
rious people  warmly  pressed  me  to 
come  to  their  homes,  and  be  in  their  fam- 
ilies as  their  own  daughter.  I  could  not, 
however,  bring  myself  to  accept  an  offer  of 
this  kind,  my  proud  spirit  rising  in  rebellion 
against  any  thought  of  being  thus  dependent. 
But  what  I  should  do  to  earn  my  living  was 
not  an  easy  problem  to  solve.  In  any  practical 
affairs  of  life  I  was  absolutely  without  expe- 
rience. In  the  luxurious  home  of  my  parents 
there  was  nothing  for  me  to  do  except  what 
has  been  referred  to  in  the  earlier  pages  of 
this  narrative.  Even  in  the  simplest  matters 
of  dressing,  my  sister  and  I  were  constantly 
served  by  a  waiting  maid. 

After  counsel  with  friends  with  regard  to 
what  I  might  learn  to  do,  I  finally  decided  to 

59 


60  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

learn  the  art  of  artificial  flower  making.  The 
business  seemed  inviting,  required  no  large 
outlay  of  strength,  made  a  pleasant  appeal  to 
taste,  and  pecuniarily  was  fairly  profitable.  In 
this  way  I  soon  became  able  to  provide  for 
myself  with  reasonable  care  as  to  expenditures. 
Meanwhile  I  found  a  pleasant  home  with  the 
family  of  my  class  leader,  a  Mr.  Thompson, 
and  upon  their  removal  from  the  city,  with  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Hull,  members  of  the  same  church, 
Mr.  Hull  being  my  next  class  leader.  My  re- 
lations with  these  people  were  most  congenial. 
It  was  some  time  in  the  fall  of  1851  that  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Hull  removed  to  a  part  of  the  city 
more  distant  from  Morris  Chapel  and  near  to  a 
church  of  the  United  Brethren  in  Christ.  Be- 
ing late  one  Sunday  morning  in  starting  for 
service,  and  passing  near  this  latter  church, 
Mr.  Hull  proposed  that  we  go  in.  They  were 
pleased  with  the  service  and  with  the  minis- 
ter, and  we  afterward  came  again,  and  a  few 
months  later  transferred  our  membership  to 


Toil  and  Precious  Fruits  61 

this  church.  The  forms  of  service  being  es- 
sentially the  same  as  those  of  the  Methodist 
Episcopal  church,  we  soon  felt  quite  at  home. 
The  pastor  of  this  church  was  the  Rev.  W.  J. 
Shuey.  He  is  still  living,  quite  advanced  in 
age,  and  widely  known  as  the  Rev.  Doctor 
Shuey. 

The  transfer  to  this  church  had  much  to  do 
with  shaping  my  later  destiny  in  life.  Upon 
further  acquaintance,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Shuey  de- 
sired me  to  make  my  home  with  them,  and  on 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hull's  acquiescence  I  did  so.  In 
the  summer  of  the  year  1852,  Mr.  and. Mrs. 
Shuey  made  a  visit  to  Mrs.  Shuey 's  parents  at 
Springfield,  Ohio,  and  Mrs.  Shuey  invited  me 
to  accompany  them.  It  was  during  this  visit  that 
I  met  Mrs.  Shuey's  brother,  Mr.  Daniel  Ber- 
ger,  who  in  the  providence  of  God  afterward 
became  my  husband.  I  had  at  this  time  also 
changed  my  place  of  employment  to  the  large 
book  and  publishing  house  of  Messrs.  Apple- 
gate,  Flickinger  and  Pounsford,  where  I  re- 


62  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

mained  up  to  the  time  of  my  marriage.  Thus 
through  these  several  years  I  continued  to  toil 
for  my  sustenance,  a  part  of  the  prolonged  sac- 
rifice I  made  for  Christ's  sake.  It  is  but  truth 
to  say  that  at  times  the  burdens  seemed  heavy, 
but  I  never  ceased  to  rejoice  in  the  fact  that 
I  possessed  an  open  Bible,  and  its  precious 
promises  greatly  sustained  me.  While  I  had 
sacrificed  much,  I  ever  felt  that  I  possessed  a 
richer  portion. 

My  marriage  with  Mr.  Berger  occurred  on 
July  28,  1853,  just  a  little  less  than  a  year  after 
our  first  meeting,  and  proved  a  most  auspi- 
cious event.  He  was  then  a  candidate  for  min- 
isterial orders,  since  widely  known  through  of- 
ficial relationship  with  the  United  Brethren 
Church  as  the  Rev.  Dr.  Berber.  God  has  been 
pleased  to  prolong  our  life  in  happy  compan- 
ionship through  more  than  sixty  years,  our 
golden  anniversary  bein^  passed  ten  years  ago, 
and  our  sixtieth  on  the  twenty-eighth  of  July 
of  the  present  year. 


Toil  and  Precious  Fruits  63 

The  first  of  these  events  was  emphasized  by 
the  voluntary  calling  of  a  large  number  of 
friends  in  Dayton,  Ohio,  the  city  in  which  we 
have  lived  for  fifty  years,  and  by  numerous 
letters  and  telegrams  of  congratulation  from 
abroad.  The  second,  by  virtue  of  necessity, 
was  observed  in  a  more  limited  way.  The 
great  flood  which  visited  Dayton  and  included 
our  home  in  its  ravages  brought  to  us  much 
impairment  of  strength,  a  condition  to  which 
advancing  years  added  their  portion,  so  that 
we  were  not  able  physically  to  entertain  a 
large  company.  Nevertheless,  a  considerable 
number  of  friends  called  during  the  day,  while 
letters  of  congratulation  from  friends  abroad 
contributed  to  render  the  day  memorable. 

I  never  can  be  sufficiently  grateful  to  God, 
who  so  providentially  guided  my  steps,  for  giv- 
ing me  so  kind  and  good  a  husband.  Through 
all  these  years  he  has  sustained  me  by  tender 
affection  and  care,  and  our  home  life  has  been 
one  of  the  truest  happiness. 


Incidents 

AS  THIS  sketch  is  not  intended  to  be  in 
any  proper  sense  a  biography,  I  pass 
over  the  long  lapse  of  years,  with 
their  varied  experiences,  their  lights  and 
shadows,  their  joys  and  sorrows,  their  suc- 
cesses and  disappointments.  Every  length- 
ened life  must  needs  have  its  share  of  these. 
I  might  tell  of  early  service  as  a  pastor's  wife, 
of  long  connection  with  the  Woman's  Chris- 
tian Temperance  work,  of  protracted  service 
as  leader  of  a  band  of  women  in  the  days  of 
the  temperance  crusade,  of  later  service  in  the 
National  Military  Home  at  this  city,  of  years 
of  Sabbath  visits  to  the  county  jail,  and  of  serv- 
ice in  official  connection  with  the  Ohio  branch 
of  the  National  Woman's  Christian  Temper- 
ance Union.  But  of  all  this  I  cannot  here  speak 
in  detail.     During  those  days  it  fell  to  my  lot 


66  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

to  arrange  for  numerous  lectures  on  temper- 
ance, and  it  was  a  special  joy  to  entertain  as 
guests  in  our  home  such  distinguished  per- 
sons as  Miss  Frances  E.  Willard,  Mrs.  Ellen  J. 
Foster,  Mrs.  Yeoman,  of  Canada,  Col.  George 
W.  Bain,  of  Kentucky,  and  others  prominent 
in  the  temperance  work. 

During  the  long  editorial  connection  of  my 
husband  with  the  United  Brethren  Publishing 
House  in  Dayton,  it  became  my  privilege  to 
visit  many  times  with  him  the  annual  sessions 
of  the  Chautauqua  Assembly,  at  Chautauqua 
Lake,  New  York.  These  visits  became  an  op- 
portunity for  a  wide  acquaintance  with  people 
from  many  different  States  of  our  country, 
and  here  were  formed  many  delightful  and 
lasting  friendships.  It  was  here  I  first  met 
Mrs.  Dr.  Wallace,  a  woman  greatly  beloved, 
and  whose  acquaintance  has  meant  so  much 
for  me  through  many  years.  Many  of  those 
whom  I  here  met,  acquaintance  with  whom 
was  to  be  prized  as  a  special  privilege,  have 


Incidents  67 

passed  on  into  the  great  beyond.  Many  oth- 
ers yet  remain  to  bless  the  world. 

But  I  want  here  to  record  one  or  two  ex-» 
periences  that  possessed  for  me  a  special  in- 
terest.   One  of  these  is  the  following : 

A  frequent  visitor  to  this  popular  lake  resort 
and  owner  of  a  beautiful  cottage  there,  was  a 
Mrs.  Smith,  whose  residence  was  a  little  way 
up  the  Ohio  River  from  Cincinnati.  Mrs. 
Smith  was  a  member  of  the  Methodist  Episco- 
pal church,  and  had  become  acquainted  with 
the  facts  connected  with  my  conversion  to  the 
Protestant  faith  through  various  newspaper 
notices  of  that  time. 

Introduced  to  Mrs.  Smith  by  her  daughter, 
Miss  Belle  M.  Smith,  a  skillful  artist  with 
whom  I  had  become  acquainted,  she  desired 
to  hear  from  me  the  story  of  my  early  experi- 
ences, and  later  expressed  a  wish  that  some  of 
her  friends  might  hear  me  also.  She  thereupon 
named  an  hour  and  invited  some  twenty  or 
more  women  to  the  parlors  of  her  cottage  to 
meet  me  and  hear  the  narration. 


68  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

I  related  in  brief  the  story  of  my  home  life 
in  England,  my  coming  for  a  visit  to  America, 
our  shipwreck  and  prolonged  suffering  on  the 
ocean,  the  death  of  my  uncle  and  aunt  in 
New  Orleans,  and  my  coming  to  Cincinnati. 
All  seemed  deeply  interested ;  but,  when  I  came 
to  speak  of  my  first  visit  to  old  Morris  Chapel 
and  of  my  later  conversion,  mentioning  fa- 
miliar names  of  that  period,  I  observed  that 
one  elderly  woman  became  greatly  excited. 
Then,  as  her  memory  revived  the  incidents  of 
that  now  far  off  time,  she  suddenly  sprang  to 
her  feet  and  exclaimed,  ''My  God,  is  this  little 
Mary  Frances  Merry  ?  Is  it  possible  that  after 
so  many  years  I  have  the  privilege  of  meeting 
you  again  ?"  Then  she  embraced  me  again  and 
again,  uttering  many  more  exclamations  of 
surprise  and  delight.  The  scene  presently  be- 
came really  dramatic.  Other  women  experi- 
enced a  thrill  of  excitement,  and  tears  and 
laughter  were  mingled  together.  An  added 
feature  was  that  my  husband  came  in  at  that 


Incidents  69 

moment  to  take  me  to  meet  another  engage- 
ment, and  the  old  lady  was  so  pleased  to  see  the 
partner  of  my  life,  that  she  warmly  embraced 
him  also. 

This  woman's  name  was  Gill,  and  it  was  in 
her  arms,  while  engaged  in  prayer,  that  I  first 
found  the  perfect  peace  of  a  true  believer. 
This  fact  I  at  once  recalled  when  her  name  was 
known  to  me. 

Within  a  year  from  that  time,  Mrs.  Gill 
with  her  family  had  removed  to  Buffalo,  New 
York,  her  husband's  business  being  transferred 
to  that  city,  and  there  they  still  resided  at  the 
time  of  our  meeting  at  Chautauqua.  As  more 
than  forty  years  had  elapsed  since  we  knew 
each  other  in  Cincinnati,  the  meeting  here  pos- 
sessed a  special  interest.  Referring  to  my 
stature  as  ''little,"  I  was  then  seventeen  years 
of  age  and  of  quite  slender  build. 

Another  incident,  which  held  for  me  an  in- 
terest which  may  be  easily  understood,  was 
substantially  as  follows: 


70  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

One  summer,  some  fifteen  or  more  years 
ago,  I  received  a  letter  from  a  Mrs.  Barlow, 
of  Detroit,  Michigan,  inquiring  at  what  time 
we  expected  to  arrive  at  Chautauqua.  I  had 
formed  the  acquaintance  of  Mrs.  Barlow  in 
previous  years  in  connection  with  the  work  of 
the  Woman's  Christian  Temperance  Union,  in 
which  we  both  were  interested.  She  was  at 
this  time  entertaining  as  a  guest  in  her  home 
Miss  Frances  Clare  Cusack,  better  known  to 
the  public  as  "The  Nun  of  Kenmare."  Having 
known  something  of  my  history,  she  desired 
that  Miss  Cusack  should  meet  me.  She,  there- 
fore, arranged  to  bring  her  to  Chautauqua  at 
the  time  of  our  visit  there. 

We  arrived  on  a  Saturday  evening,  and  on 
Sunday  afternoon  Mrs.  Barlow  brought  Miss 
Cusack  to  the  Hotel  Athenaeum  where  we 
were  staying.  We  met  and  were  introduced 
in  the  parlor  of  the  hotel,  and  on  being  seated 
Miss  Cusack  at  once  began  to  make  friendly 
inquiry  as  to  my  past  life.     I  related  to  her 


Incidents  71 

some  of  the  incidents  of  my  history,  and  when 
I  spoke  of  the  sacrifice  I  had  made  for  con- 
science' sake,  and  for  the  sake  of  a  closer 
nearness  to  our  divine  Savior,  she  was  much 
moved,  and  embracing  me  warmly  said,  "My 
child,  you  have  endured  many  things  for 
Christ's  sake.  But  for  his  sake  we  can  bear 
the  loss  of  all  things,  and  we  have  the  greater 
reward.  Yours  is  the  better  portion  which 
never  can  be  taken  from  you."  A  number  of 
the  guests  of  the  hotel  had  been  drawn  to 
listen  to  our  conversation,  and  many  of  them 
were  affected  to  tears. 

In  the  course  of  our  conversation,  I  learned 
that  Miss  Cusack  knew  familiarly  the  cathe- 
dral and  convent  in  Manchester  with  which  my 
early  years  were  associated ;  also,  that  she  had 
been  intimately  acquainted  with  my  brother, 
Father  Edwin  Merry,  whose  parish  was  in 
the  city  of  Oldham,  a  short  distance  from 
Manchester,  and  had  been  interested  in  the 
erection  of  a  convent  school  in  connection  with 


72  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

his  church.  She  had  also  heard  that  a  daugh- 
ter in  his  father's  family  had  forsaken  the 
Catholic  fold,  but  had  no  further  information 
concerning  her.  She  became  much  excited 
when  she  learned  that  I  was  the  sister  of 
Father  Merry,  and  exclaimed  again  and  again, 
"Can  it  be  possible  that  after  so  many  years  I 
have  met  the  sister  of  Father  Merry  ?" 

Miss  Cusack  was  a  woman  of  culture,  a 
writer  of  good  ability  and  had  published  sev- 
eral volumes  on  various  subjects.  She  was  pos- 
sessed in  her  earlier  life  of  a  considerable  for- 
tune, the  greater  part  of  which  she  devoted  to 
building  convents  for  her  church.  Later  she 
espoused  the  Protestant  faith,  finding  for 
a  while  an  asylum  in  Christ's  Mission,  New 
York  City,  a  place  for  counsel  and  worship, 
established  some  thirty  years  ago  by  Father 
O'Connor  as  a  shelter  for  persons  exchanging 
the  Catholic  faith  for  the  Protestant  church. 
She  was  at  the  time  I  met  her  well  advanced 
in  years.     She  returned  again  to  Europe,  dy- 


Incidents  73 

ing  a  few  years  later  in  London.  Her  funeral 
was  honored  by  a  large  attendance,  and  such 
distinguished  persons  as  Dr.  Joseph  Parker,  of 
the  City  Temple,  and  the  Dean  of  Westminster, 
with  others,  officiated  at  the  burial. 


"^^p 


Closing  Words 

IN  CLOSING  this  sketch  I  have  great  pleas- 
ure in  saying  that,  while  my  life  has  not 
been  without  the  shadows  of  disappoint- 
ment, it  has  been  brightened  and  cheered  by 
the  kindness  of  many  dear  friends  whom  God 
has  been  pleased  to  give  me.  It  would  be  a  long 
list  if  I  could  here  write  all  their  names. 
But  the  kindnesses  of  some  of  these  have 
through  many  years  been  so  conspicuous  that 
I  shall  not  do  an  injustice  to  others  when  I 
here  mention  the  names  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  W.  B. 
Shuler,  of  Hamilton,  Ohio ;  Dr.  and  Mrs.  R.  S. 
Wallace,  of  East  Brady,  Pennsylvania;  and 
Dr.  and  Mrs.  Julius  King,  of  Cleveland.  I 
must  not  go  farther,  or  I  should  not  know 
where  to  end.  But  their  names  are  in  the  Book 
of  Life.  The  first  named  of  these  have  long 
sustained  to  us  a  relation  akin  to  that  of  an  af- 
fectionate son  and  daughter.    The  loving  offi- 

75 


76  In  and  Out  of  Catholicism 

ces  of  all  are  remembered  with  unceasing  ap- 
preciation and  gratitude,  and  their  reward  is 
sure  at  the  hands  of  the  Father. 

I  have  also  this  final  word  to  say  concerning 
the  great  historic  church  in  which  I  was  born, 
but  from  which  my  life  has  been  dissociated.  I 
have  not  through  my  life  borne  toward  it  or 
any  of  its  people  any  measure  of  ill  will.  On 
the  contrary,  I  have  cherished  toward  it  a  feel- 
ing of  kindliness,  and  have  greatly  desired  and 
often  prayed  that  especially  my  own  people 
might  awaken  to  that  brighter  light  and  that 
greater  spiritual  freedom  which  I  have  found. 
The  pages  of  the  open  Bible,  and  direct  ap- 
proach to  Christ  without  intervention  of  living 
man  or  departed  saint,  have  been  to  me  riches 
of  blessing  above  all  estimate.  For  this  I  have 
suffered  loss,  but  realize  that  I  have  the  greater 
gain.  The  loss  of  parental  affection  and  recog- 
nition was  the  bitterest  part  of  my  cup.  But  I 
have  never  for  a  moment  cherished  toward  my 
parents  any  feeling  of  resentment  or  hardness. 


Closing  Words  77 

The  Apostle  Paul  declared  that  he  "verily 
thought  he  was  doing  God  service"  when  he 
persecuted  the  church,  and  this  was  their  feel- 
ing and  conviction  in  rejecting  me  from  their 
love.  And  toward  them  I  could  but  cherish 
the  feeling  of  Jesus  on  the  cross  when  he 
prayed,  "Father,  forgive  them,  for  they  know 
not  what  they  do." 


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